[Fox News] GREG GUTFELD: Our choice in November is a candidate who’s facing a sentence versus one who can’t complete one (2024)

Happy Monday everyone. So, today, jury selection began in Hunter Biden’s gun trial. And as a welcome gift, those selected were given a free dime bag. To make sure it’s a jury of his peers, they’re looking for people who were given phony jobs in Ukraine, smoke, crack in a sensory deprivation tank, had sex with a dead family member’s wife, while impregnating a stripper. So far, they found one. Possible witnesses include Beau Biden’s widow, Hallie Biden, Hunter Biden’s ex-wife Kathleen, and the gun store clerk in Delaware. Or, as Hunter calls it, his dream foursome.

Over the weekend, President Biden was seen cycling with Hunter in Delaware. It’s part of his new workout program called “Not Dying.”

I had to work hard to get one out of you. I wonder if they’re going to like these. Mexico has officially elected their first ever female president. I know! Yeah, like you care. Oh, finally a woman. Oh, you go girl. Shut up. Her name is Claudia Sheinbaum. That’s right, Claudia Sheinbaum. You know of the Tijuana Sheinbaums? You should try her Gefilte fish tacos. But her first order of business as president? Getting her daughter to marry a doctor. Ha ha! I don’t care if you don’t like it. God, if I did, I’d be miserable.

MEXICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE SHEINBAUM, WHO PROMISES TO CUT CRIME, FACES HUGE HURDLES FROM POWERFUL CARTELS

Today, during his testimony on the U.S. COVID response and origins, Anthony Fauci said the claims of his influence on the CIA lab leak analysis are a conspiracy. And it makes it makes him sound like Jason Bourne. But look, man, no one is confusing Fauci with Jason Bourne. One is a person that kills people with government backing and the other’s Matt Damon.

Over the weekend, pro-Hamas protesters clashed with a gay pride parade in Philadelphia. Despite their differences, they both united in their love of suspicious packages. And the official Facebook page for the US Navy SEALs was mocked for marking the start of Pride Month. But to commemorate the month, with every compound raid, a terrorist gets a free makeover. All right, so the saga of Donald J. Trump continues. Really? What did we talk about before him? Aside from me, of course. It’s a shame we only have an hour. But have you noticed the reaction to the Trump conviction? It’s more muted than my TV during Jesse’s show. Of course, there are the usual nut cases where anything related to Trump is cause for incontinence.

JOY BEHAR: My reaction was I was at Costco buying, you know, ten boxes of Keurig coffee and my watch started to buzz, and I got so excited that I started leaking a little bit.

So Joy Behar wets herself in Costco. And for the first time, it wasn’t over the free samples of chocolate-covered lard nuggets. But aside from Joy and some has-been actors, where’s all the noise? No one’s dancing in the street weeping or peeing with joy. The truth is, even some on the left admit this prosecution wasn’t justice. Some recognize they were going too far even before the verdict. It’s like when you’re in a fight with your spouse and you make a casual comment about her meat loaf and realize, oh s****, I’m in for it. And they’re right. The verdict resulted in a bump in Trump’s polling and a massive $200 million bump in donations. $200 million!!

TRUMP VERDICT FIRES UP THE DONOR CLASS LEADING TO MASSIVE MAY FUNDRAISING HAUL

$200 million? That’s more than I make in a year. It even crashed Trump’s donation site, something I haven’t seen since I started that GoFundMe page to ban Brian Kilmeade from public parks. Buy a dog if you want to hang out there. Within 24 hours, Trump’s new TikTok account gained over 2 million followers, crushing the Biden-Harris account that had a five-month head start. And to be fair, it is a low bar. Hell, even Hillary’s left testicl* has more followers than Biden-Harris. But vapid morons on TikTok are a voting bloc Biden can’t afford to lose. What’s next? Biden starts to lose ground among dementia patients? Fact is, Americans can tell the difference between Trump and Biden. One is facing a sentence, the other can’t complete one.

So how does Trump do it? How does he turn a conviction into an electoral windfall? How does he turn his adversaries’ energy into power? I call it the eternal cliffhanger theory. With Trump, when one act finishes, it sparks an equally thrilling next one. He’s like the orange Harry Potter. And what creates the cliffhangers are those obsessed with taking him down. It’s a perpetual motion machine.

Their attacks can’t help but set the stage for: what will he do next? And what he does next then creates another cause for attack. You think you killed him? Nah. There he is in the next chapter to raging applause.

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